We’ve been taught to battle stress as if it’s the enemy, but what if I told you that this “fight” is exactly why we’re losing?

I used to think I was good at managing stress. I had participated in a combat deployment to Afghanistan, served as a police officer for 12 years, and navigated the grief of losing my wife to cancer. I was well-versed in trauma, adversity, and stress – or so I thought.

At the time, my view of stress management was that it was something I needed to control. If I feel stressed, I should try to reduce my stress response. I would apply techniques such as deep breathing and visualization to try and ignore my stress. I thought “faking it until I make it” would be enough to get me through my most difficult times. After losing my wife, I spent months feeling helpless and completely out of control of my emotions.  

I couldn’t help but feel something was wrong with my strategy. I was applying my positive coping mechanisms as best as possible. I was still stressed out, and my traumas, grief, and stressors intruded in at unexpected times. No matter how hard I worked, nothing changed – I was still just a passenger in my stress bus, with no control over my direction.

My suspicion that I was approaching it wrong was verified through research and reading numerous books on trauma, stress management, and grief. I realized that we have been misled when it comes to managing stress.

The biggest myth about managing stressors is that we need to control our responses. The false notion that our stress response is negative has fueled a culture of avoidance of challenging emotions and thoughts. If it feels “bad,” then it must be bad for us, and we should do everything possible to avoid it.

I learned that, although well intended and logical, this approach is actually the opposite of what we should do when stressed. Our stress responses aren’t negative. They are adaptive processes that have evolved to allow us to survive, recover, and learn from adversity. The key is to embrace the struggle and allow your mind and body the opportunity to do what they do best. There is no need to fight against our stress response.

Once I realized this, everything changed for me. It was as if a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I no longer had to fear, hide, or resist my emotions. My first experience with my new perspective was when I was hit with strong emotions of grief. Rather than ignoring those feelings, trying to bury them out of guilt, shame, or pain, I gave them space to breathe in my mind. The intensity lessened, and I realized I had nothing to fear. I could co-exist with my stress, and nothing terrible happened.

I started to develop a relationship with my stress, grief, and trauma. I gave my stress a passenger seat on my bus and gave it space to live alongside me. By coexisting rather than fighting, I regained my sense of autonomy. I no longer had massive intrusions of emotion because they were always welcome to vent when needed.

My attitude now is to embrace the struggle. I don’t need to avoid it. By leaning into my feelings, I allow myself to work through them rather than repress them. By shifting my mindset, my attitude and behavior changed. I gave my feelings space through self-reflection, venting, and grieving. Over time, I started feeling more in control of my situation. This simple shift gradually led to a drastic reduction in my perceived “stress” levels and a substantial improvement in my quality of life.

I like to say that the healing is in the feelings. Our feelings communicate with us, and we can identify what we need when we explore what’s under the surface. There are various ways to give your stress and emotions space. You can use journaling, mindfulness, visualization, or talking it out with friends and family. If you are sad, let yourself sit with that emotion. If you are anxious, use that energy to motivate you to solve the issue. If you feel depressed, take action to do something constructive to resolve it.

If you are stressed and feel like your mind is rebelling against you – just like it was for me – remember that your mind is trying to heal and grow. Instead of fighting against your stress response, embrace it. You gain control by surrendering control.