After you go through a traumatic experience, your ability to manage stress and pressure is often negatively affected. We all know this, but why do we still self-sabotage by putting extra pressure on ourselves afterward?

Imagine holding a cup, representing your total “capacity” for mental energy. Your day-to-day responsibilities are normally well managed, and your cup might only be 60% full on average. When you are functioning optimally, you have the extra space to manage the unexpected stressors that arise.

Let’s say you get sick, your vehicle breaks down, or you have extra pressure at work. You add more water, and your cup might now be at 85% capacity. You still have some extra space, but you are nearing capacity. Over time, you reduce those external stressors, empty out some water, and return to your baseline.

The challenge with trauma is that it’s like dropping a big stone into your cup that fills up a sizable portion of your capacity. So now, your cup is always filled at 90%, and any external stressors that would normally be easily managed cause your cup to overflow. You become easily overwhelmed by the little stressors and wonder what’s wrong with you. You think, “This shouldn’t be bothering me this much!” You end up adding more stress to your cup because you get frustrated at yourself.

It's important to recognize that your capacity for managing stress is affected because of the trauma you are carrying. It’s not the little things that cause you to feel overwhelmed. It’s the entirety of your burden.

I know that accepting your new limitations can be a tough pill to swallow. You know what you used to be able to handle, and you get frustrated because these little things used to be easy to manage. However, recovery from trauma is a journey that takes time. You suffered a mental injury, and just like a physical injury, you need time to recover and figure out what your life looks like in the long term.

So, what can you do when you are beating yourself up because you aren’t “back to normal” yet?

The common answer is to “give yourself grace.” I’ve often heard this expression, but I find isn’t very practical. What does it mean to give yourself grace?

I have found value in changing the thought to something else instead: practice self-compassion.

My most effective way to do this is to imagine how I would feel if I saw one of my friends, family members, or kids struggling with the same things. What would I tell them? Would I be as hard on them as I am on myself? Would I be as impatient, critical, and doubtful?

No, of course not! I would want them to know that it’s okay to struggle, it doesn’t mean they are weak, and it’s okay to lower expectations in the short term.

If we can empathize and be compassionate for our loved ones, why is it so hard to do the same for ourselves? We owe it to ourselves to be compassionate and give ourselves time and space to heal, just as we would for someone we love.

Next time you feel like beating yourself up for how you are responding to your trauma, consider what you would say to a loved one and try that approach instead.