After my wife passed, evenings were always the worst time for me. I would tuck my kids into bed, my house would go quiet, and the crippling feelings of loneliness, grief, and depression would hit with full force. I would sit on the couch and have to resist the urge to wallow in misery.

As I sat on the couch, I was desperate for something to do that could break the cycle. I would scroll through my contact list on my phone, trying to think of who I could reach out to. I would look at my friends on social media – see their photos with their families – and the feelings of loneliness would only increase. I didn’t want to bother anyone with my feelings because I knew they were all busy with their own lives. I didn’t want to feel like a burden.

By this point, I was used to my thought patterns. “Everyone is busy. You just need to deal with it yourself. Nobody wants to hear about your issues. It’s been a few months already.”

As I sat there, sad and depressed, a new thought crept in. “If you are feeling lonely, do something about it.”

As ridiculous as it sounds, I realized that I was stuck wallowing – in a trap of my own mind’s creation. I couldn’t expect others to read my mind and reach out when I struggled. Nobody was going to come to save me. I had to do something about it.

So, I picked up my phone and contacted a family member to chat. It was a simple act that I had done thousands of times in my life, but it was incredibly difficult at that moment. I had to push aside my feelings of self-doubt and self-consciousness – and take a risk. I had to expose my feelings, be vulnerable, and admit to someone else that I wasn’t doing okay.

And that made all the difference. A simple conversation uplifted my mood. I realized I wasn’t alone in my struggle and that I could do this.

Looking back with a healthy state of mind, it doesn’t seem like a big deal. However, I remember how difficult it was at the time. That’s why I’m writing this article now. I’m writing this for those of you who are stuck in that dark place, feeling completely and utterly alone in your struggle, and not able to reach out for support.

You might feel like nobody cares, but that is a false belief. If the roles were reversed, you would want your friends or family members to contact you. You would want the opportunity to help your loved ones if they were facing the same struggle as you.

As much as we’d like people to know when we are suffering and take the initiative to reach out to us, nobody can read our minds. You must take ownership and ask for help. It feels impossible, but accessing your support network is one of the best things you can do when you are struggling.

You might be afraid of burdening others because they have their own lives to live. Although it’s true people have their own lives, remember that reaching out for support is not a burden. You aren’t asking for much. A simple conversation can help turn the tide against your mind’s dark moods and reinforce that you are not alone in your struggle.

What would you do for a friend or family member if they felt the same way you do? What would you want them to do if they were struggling?

Courage is acting despite the fear, self-doubt, and self-consciousness. The support is there – you just have to ask.

Tips:

1. Connect with someone you trust. This doesn’t necessarily mean someone close to you, but someone you know is compassionate and empathetic and can provide you with the support you need.
2. If your first attempt doesn’t succeed, try with someone else. Not everyone can provide you with what you need; sometimes, we need to try a different person. It might be discouraging but don’t give up.
3. People aren’t mind readers – ask for what you need. When you connect, you can open with a statement explaining your situation. “Hey, I’ve been feeling a bit down. Are you free to chat for a bit?”
4. Access specialized support if required. This could be your employee wellness department, therapy, or even an emergency line if you are in a crisis.
5. Schedule regular check-ins. If you are routinely struggling, establishing a cadence for check-ins with a trusted person can help you when you get in that dark place and don’t reach out. Whether it's daily, weekly, or even monthly, the routine can give you something to look forward to.