Losing my wife to cancer was a devastating experience. In the days after she passed, I knew I faced a long journey to learn how to thrive again, and self-care would be crucial to healing. As a caregiver, I had proudly put aside my needs so that I could spend our remaining time together, focusing on her comfort. However, I knew that neglecting my self-care would come at a cost.

In the days that followed, I recognized that if I didn’t take action toward healing, the pain, distress, and fallout were only going to get worse. At my lowest point, I only wanted to curl into a ball and give up. I was desperate for something to get me moving again. And that “something” came in the form of purpose.

Despite my pain, I knew that my kids relied on me. They looked at me as a model of how to move forward. They counted on me to continue showing up so they could heal and grow. If I couldn’t take the necessary steps and practice self-care, I would fail them.

One of my priorities for self-care was exercise. The first time I had an opportunity to go for a run, it was the last thing I wanted to do. But one look at my kids and seeing their trust in me fueled me to get out the door.

My first run was horrible. It was painful, and I’m sure it was a sad sight for other pedestrians who likely thought, “Who is that weirdo crying to themselves while running?” I couldn’t complete my goal of 5 km, but I managed to at least get 3 km in. Instead of wallowing about what I couldn’t do, I chalked it up as a win. Two days later, I went for another run. Getting myself out the door was just as challenging – but my run felt a little better.

Bit by bit, I diligently continued running, increasing my distance and speed with each run. Gradually, my initial resistance began decreasing. I experienced the mood-boosting rewards of my exercise, and I eventually noticed that I was once more looking forward to running again. Four months later, I entered my first-ever running race and logged my fastest 10 km run ever. This year, I’m training to complete my first ultra-marathon as a testament to how far I’ve come.

While my exercise is just one example, I went through the same process with my other self-care habits: diet, sleep, trauma-processing, self-reflection, and gratitude practices. They didn’t start out easy, but with time, they all collaborated to aid my healing.

These are the top 5 things I learned about self-care after those experiences:

1. Starting a new self-care routine or resuming a neglected routine involves overcoming resistance. The most effective way to overcome that friction is to have a clear purpose that inspires you to act. Identify “why” you should take positive action.
2. Neglecting self-care comes at a cost. Mental fitness and resilience are like muscles. If you don’t give them enough attention, your quality of life will suffer, and it will be more difficult to resume your routines. Keeping on top of your habits—even at a basic level—will help you in times of need.
3. You don’t need to feel a certain way to take action. You don’t need to be motivated to apply positive coping mechanisms. You can be depressed and still do something positive. You can feel anxious and still confront your stressors. Acknowledge how you feel but act anyway.
4. Expect that something new will be hard – do it anyway. I knew my first run would be excruciating, and I was correct. However, by expecting it wouldn’t be easy, I was mentally prepared and committed to seeing it through. Benefits take time to come to fruition.
5. You don’t need to believe in the outcome to believe in the process. When I was depressed, grieving, and traumatized, I couldn’t see a future. Despite not seeing a positive outcome, I could at least believe in the process and my ability to succeed. If I could identify my next step, I could believe in my ability to take it.

Self-care is necessary to maintain mental fitness and overall well-being, but it’s often one of the first things we neglect in tough times. I learned that maintaining even basic self-care habits makes recovery much easier.

If you are experiencing a challenging time in your life, remember that you don’t need motivation to take steps toward building a more positive future. Acknowledge how you feel, trust in the process, and take action regardless.