Regain Control of Your Life by Choosing the Pain You Experience:

Sometimes life forces you on a painful path through trauma, mental illness, or loss. You feel out of control of your life and it can lead to a victim mindset. A key to improving your mental well-being is regaining your sense of control. This means moving from a “poor me” state to one where you believe in your ability to heal and recover. In this article, I will share why “choosing your pain” is effective in regaining your sense of control.   

One day, when my daughter was 5, she played barefoot on our wood deck while I did yard work. She suddenly started crying, and when I looked to see what the issue was, she pointed to a humongous splinter lodged in her foot. It was almost an inch long and buried deep under her skin.

I could see that she was hurting, and I wanted to help. The splinter was massive, and I knew pulling it out would cause her more pain. But leaving it in wasn't an option either. This was a problem that wouldn't solve itself. I retrieved the tweezers and saw fear in her eyes as she anticipated the pain of pulling it out.

I reassured her that although it might hurt in the short term, it would feel much better soon. The splinter was finicky and took several tries to get a good grip. Each attempt brought more tears, and I felt terrible for causing more pain. But I knew it was for the best. Eventually, I removed the splinter, and after a few more tears, she smiled and resumed playing.

That incident reminded me that while life might force hardship on us, we do have a say in how we handle it.

I've had numerous "mental splinters" over the years: trauma from Afghanistan, facing mental illnesses, and becoming a widower. You’ve also faced your own challenges – those times when life deals you a bad hand, and you're left to play your cards as best you can.

One thing I've learned is that we get some say over our hardships. With mental illness and injuries, one option is to live with them. You adjust your life around the pain despite how it negatively affects you. That's what I did after Afghanistan. I left the splinter in, letting it fester, and I struggled for years. I kept kicking the can down the road, avoiding confronting the issues. I missed out on years of happiness and joy because I didn’t dive into my healing.

After losing my wife, I spent many months in turmoil, feeling out of control of my grief, emotions, and trauma. Remembering my past failures, I knew I needed a different approach. Instead of creating a comfort zone in my pain, I chose to confront my issues head-on. It wasn't easy, but since I was already in pain, I preferred to choose my path rather than continue as a victim of circumstances. I began to regain control and confidence by embracing the struggle.

This proactive approach didn't solve everything instantly, but it allowed me to manage my grief and pain on my terms, reducing their intrusion into my life. I was no longer controlled by my trauma.

Dealing with mental health issues isn't as simple as removing a splinter—it requires more effort and time. If you feel trapped and out of control, remember, it’s not your fault, and you are not alone.

I’ve learned the hard way that although the path to healing is painful, avoiding it only compounds the problem. It was only by embracing the struggle that I was able to rise above it. Personally, I’d much rather choose my suffering than have it forced on me.